Boundary Myths and Truths
Let’s talk boundaries. I find boundaries often get a bad rap, as there is a lot of fear or confusion around them. I want to clear up some common boundary myths I hear and offer a reframe to think about them differently, as they are such a powerful tool for healthy relationships.
Boundary Myth #1: Boundaries are to keep people out.
Boundary Truth: Boundaries are your way of engaging in a relationship that honors your needs, so that you can have a meaningful connection that feels good and sustainable.
A lot of people struggle with setting boundaries. They can feel hard, and maybe you notice that you are telling yourself this myth as a reason you shouldn't set a boundary.
But in reality, boundaries are not about keeping people out, rather they are powerful for a good relationship. Boundaries are your way of engaging in a relationship that honors your needs, so that you can have a meaningful connection that 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘴 good and sustainable.
Next time you catch yourself having that thought about not wanting to set boundaries out of fear of pushing people away, you can remind yourself, “I am setting boundaries because I care about this relationship and I want to make sure it feels healthy and sustainable for me to engage in and feel grounded, safe, and okay.”
Boundary Myth #2: Boundaries are mean or selfish.
Boundary Truth: You can set and communicate boundaries in a way that is aligned with your values.
Do you ever notice yourself anxious to set a boundary out of fear of being mean? As if boundaries are this cruel thing you are 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 another person, rather than something for yourself.
I think it is important to remember that you can set boundaries in a way that feels aligned with you.
What I mean is, if, for example, you are feeling overwhelmed by a friend or family member who is sharing too much with you. Let’s say it’s a friend who is sharing daily about their break up, or a family member who is constantly going on about their stress, and you notice it is feeling too much. Setting a boundary does not have to be saying “I can’t hear any more about this, I’m sick of it, it is too much” and then feeling guilty or anxious after that you upset your loved one.
Maybe instead you can try “I really care about you and what you are going through, and I want to be there for you in the ways that I can with the capacity that I have to offer. But I see that you are really struggling and I’m not the person who can help you through this fully. Maybe I can help you consider who is in your support system to talk to, or help you find a therapist."
Boundaries can be set while honoring your voice and values, so you can feel good about what you said and how you said it.
Boundary Myth #3: This person won’t accept my boundaries so it's pointless to set them.
Boundary Truth: Boundaries are something you set internally with yourself, and for yourself. Another’s response doesn’t validate their worthiness.
I hear this one often. The notion that another person won’t accept your boundary, so why bother.
And listen, maybe you’re right, maybe they will push back, or try to push over this boundary of yours.
However, and this is important, boundaries are something you set with yourself and for yourself, and they are not about how someone else responds. It’s your way of recognizing and acknowledging your needs.
For example, you are a new mom and you want to say to a friend or family member who is eager to come over and meet your new baby that you are not ready for visitors. Problem is, you are anticipating (and rightly so) that they are going to push you, guilt you, or (inappropriately) show up at your door anyway. Maybe you find yourself thinking that you may as well just let them come over and get it over with. If you do, you are ignoring an important instinct around what your needs are. Honor it.
Instead, you may have to continue to establish and reaffirm that boundary “I understand you really want to come, I hope you can respect that I am looking out for what is in my best interest right now. I will reach out to you when I am ready.” “I see you have shown up here. I am confused and surprised. I communicated with you how important it was for me to have space and time to heal. While I acknowledge you are excited to meet the baby, it is important to me to honor mine and my babies needs during this vulnerable time. I will certainly reach out to you when I am ready to enjoy a visit.”
The work around boundaries, and getting comfortable setting them, can be challenging, especially if your struggle with instincts to please people, make others happy or prioritize others needs first. Learning to tune in to your instincts and listen to them can be hard, and it takes time to build the capacity. However, the work can be so empowering, both for yourself and your relationships. When you can show up as your full self, acknowledging your needs and boundaries, it allows space to have more meaningful and authentic connections.
